SatMods.com - FTA - FTA Files - FTA Bin - FTA Keys - FTA Forums - Humor http://www.satmods.com/ Got a good joke? Share It! - Keep It Clean! en Fri, 20 Nov 2009 22:36:08 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.satmods.com/images/future/misc/rss.jpg SatMods.com - FTA - FTA Files - FTA Bin - FTA Keys - FTA Forums - Humor http://www.satmods.com/ You Can Be The Man Of Your House http://www.satmods.com/humor/19722-you-can-man-your-house.html Fri, 13 Nov 2009 17:01:00 GMT The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen (where his wife was) and announced,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel dry me and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife quietly replied,

"The f**kin' funeral Direc tor would be my first guess." ]]> Humor painterpeg http://www.satmods.com/humor/19722-you-can-man-your-house.html explorer infection http://www.satmods.com/humor/19707-explorer-infection.html Thu, 12 Nov 2009 22:27:41 GMT Image: http://images.ehowa.com/explorerinfection.jpg ]]> Humor musky http://www.satmods.com/humor/19707-explorer-infection.html don,t do drugs. http://www.satmods.com/humor/19585-don-t-do-drugs.html Sat, 07 Nov 2009 20:37:20 GMT Image: http://images.ehowa.com/fiveyeardifference.jpg
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]]> Humor musky http://www.satmods.com/humor/19585-don-t-do-drugs.html WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD. http://www.satmods.com/humor/19469-warning-only-read-once-you-able-laugh-out-loud.html Fri, 30 Oct 2009 02:10:27 GMT **WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.** *Hysterics might set in. The writer of this piece paints a... WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD. Hysterics might set in. The writer of this piece paints a very vivid picture...


I went to Bunnings (Australian equivalent of Home Depot) recently, not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to #### yourself road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.


Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2.' Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning.'

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ####, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh... What a BIG mistake!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal a**plosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my a** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what can only be described as the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe.' He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'OH MY GOD! Did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
I came home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

The #######s claim they're going to have to repaint the store. ]]> Humor MOD http://www.satmods.com/humor/19469-warning-only-read-once-you-able-laugh-out-loud.html Image Of Virgin Mary Appears In Bird Dropping http://www.satmods.com/humor/19336-image-virgin-mary-appears-bird-dropping.html Sat, 24 Oct 2009 02:42:19 GMT Image Of Virgin Mary Appears In Bird Dropping On Area Family’s Truck An image of the Virgin Mary that appeared in a bird dropping on the side mirror... Image Of Virgin Mary Appears In Bird Dropping On Area Family’s Truck
An image of the Virgin Mary that appeared in a bird dropping on the side mirror of a Central Texas family’s truck is causing a neighborhood stir.

BRYAN (July 16, 2009)--The Pachuca family of Bryan says an image on their pickup truck is a miracle.

The image that came in an unlikely form of a bird dropping appeared on Sunday.
Click here to find out more!

That was the first time Salvador Pachuca had been back to the home since having an accident there four months ago.

"I told my brothers come over here and see what this is and they say this is the Virgin," he said.

Family members made their way outside to see the image on the truck's side mirror.

Cristal Pachuca said she took pictures and began making calls to invite others to see, what she describes as, a miracle.

"We just all feel protected. It's a blessing to our family and to everybody that comes to see it," says Cristal Pachuca.

Cristal says the truck doesn't get much use, but last weekend her husband decided to take it out of their garage and wash it.

A few moments later the image appeared.

Since Sunday, a steady stream of family, friends, neighbors and strangers has stopped by to pray and take pictures of the image.

The Pachuca's say the image is more than a coincidence especially since it happened on the 12th.

The family says in Mexico, Dec. 12 is celebrated as the day of The Virgin Guadalupe.

Onlookers say the image is a miracle because the distinct colors and outline of the image on the truck match the image of Virgin Guadalupe.

The Pachuca's say they will continue to welcome anyone who wants to see the image, because the image isn't going to go away anytime soon.

"I think we're going to just put it on a shelf outside, probably take off the mirror and keep it there cause its something special to us. I'm not going to wash it off," says Cristal Pachuca.
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]]> Humor BaitMan http://www.satmods.com/humor/19336-image-virgin-mary-appears-bird-dropping.html Man Pleads To La-Z-Boy DWI http://www.satmods.com/humor/19335-man-pleads-la-z-boy-dwi.html Sat, 24 Oct 2009 02:38:45 GMT Minnesotan, 62, was arrested for drunkenly driving motorized lounger OCTOBER 22--A Minnesota man arrested last year for drunkenly driving a... Minnesotan, 62, was arrested for drunkenly driving motorized lounger

OCTOBER 22--A Minnesota man arrested last year for drunkenly driving a motorized La-Z-Boy lounge chair pleaded guilty this week to a DWI charge. Dennis Anderson, 62, was nabbed after driving his chair into a parked car, according to a Proctor Police Department report. A subsequent blood draw showed Anderson's blood alcohol content was .29, more than three times the legal limit. Anderson's customized vehicle, seen in the police evidence photos on the following pages, is powered by an eight horsepower Kohler lawnmower engine, and has a stereo, headlights, a built-in cup holder, and a "Hell Yeah It's Fast" bumper sticker. The ride, however, does not have a seat belt. Anderson, pictured above, controlled the La-Z-Boy via a steering wheel protruding from its seat cushion. The vehicle's headrest was adorned with the logo of the National Hot Rod Association. Following his guilty plea, Anderson was sentenced to 180 days in jail and ordered to pay a $2000 fine. A judge stayed Anderson's jail term in lieu of his successful completion of a two-year supervised probation term. His La-Z-Boy, which Proctor cops seized shortly after Anderson's arrest, will soon be auctioned along with items forfeited by other perps.
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]]> Humor BaitMan http://www.satmods.com/humor/19335-man-pleads-la-z-boy-dwi.html